To Letting Out and Letting In

Fourth month in. Exhaustion, frustration, sadness, confusion, hope, occasional spurts of joy.

Nepal is... trying.

I've gotten to a point in this journey that I wouldn't have predicted two months ago I'd be at already. I'm pretty ready to take a break from this whole style of traveling. To return home for a quick while has yes, unfortunately, been wading around in my mental space. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss surfing at San Onofre. I miss having a job. I miss having money and being able to pay for bills, the occasional drink, or a concert. I miss driving my 4Runner through the winding canyon roads by my house. I miss it parked on the sand with my board on top while cozying up in the back getting ready to hop in the pacific. I miss camping. I miss routine. I miss living close to everything that brought me security and contentment. And I urge to come home to begin working towards a career I dream of having in the future, which I know will require sufficient experience usually attained during these years of life. Part of me knows I'm working towards it now, here.

And this all stings a little bit. To realize and say how much I miss the western ways I'm accustomed to has an uncomfortable ring. I know it's only normal for this feeling to arise due to the ways I've been conditioned and brought up, but I can't help but feel guilty in the sorrow I been feeling while traveling the world.

Why don't you just suck it up a bit, H? You're doing the damn thing. The trip of a lifetime some people can only dream of. Stick it out, grow a pair, this is easy and enjoyable. 

This prevalent question and perpetual self-talk makes me feel even lower about my myself and this unappreciative attitude. 

And yes it should be easy to just drop the complaints and muster up some energy from the beauty and newness around me, but I'm going to be real with you, it's not snap-of-the-fingers easy to have control over your emotions. Exhaust seeps its way in, frustration is a norm, and you can't help but feel like shit at how you can't handle a way of life more simplistic than what you're used to. Really, things are pretty straightforward here. You can purchase whatever you need, most times, when you need it. There are always beds to book on a walk up basis. Strangers and locals are always there to help you when you need it. When you're clothes are dirty you rinse and scrub them, hang them to dry, and gather them once they're ready to wear. When you're sick you go to the pharmacy to get medicine. Showers are most times warm. All the food you buy is fresh and cheap. And it's relatively inexpensive to buy a tea and hook up to a cafe's internet or find connection at your guest house. 

But then there are those other things you learn once you're here that get to you.  

First let me state that 70% of Nepalese income comes directly from tourism. It's ingenious on their end to charge tourists high prices. Majority of visitors coming through Kathmandu and Pokhara, two popular places of visitation in Nepal, are coming to trek in the Himalayas so they must have money, duh. How else could they afford all that gear, the plane ticket, the trekking permit, a porter or sherpa, food, and beer? We all know you can't forget the celebratory beer.

But that's the category of people I, unfortunately, am not in at this time in my journey. Far, far from actually.

Different than India, you actually have to work for the price you want to pay. Bargaining every single damn time you have to buy food or drink or a room to stay is utterly exhausting. Repeatedly being proposed a price by the seller that is double the amount of the local price, the maximum price which should be paid, stirs frustration and insanity within me. My blood boils often here in Kathmandu from the amount of times a day I get scammed.

I've gotten locked out of my debit and credit accounts during a time when all my bills, that are set up for auto pay each month, were set to be paid for, and during a time I was traveling 40 hours by train with no internet connection. Directly linked are my school loans, health insurance, car payment, car insurance, and more (Yes I bought a car this year before I left that I'm paying for. Hey, I didn't know this trip would continue for this long then. And yes I've been paying car insurance, and yes I could have avoided it, thanks for the correct information AAA!). While I was locked out of my bank account with no ability to call the U.S. or wifi to resolve via email, my account was over-drafted three times. I've handled my finances in an inefficient and unorganized manner during my time abroad and am out all the money I saved for this trip. Finding work while on the move can test your patience even more than the people scamming you. I have found someone to pay me $12 for blog posts for his company but getting online and having decent wifi to complete them is tougher than you'd imagine. And getting paid that amount for the hours of work put into crafting each post can be hard to swallow when comparing it to the amount I made for the work I did in California. 

And reading all this back I'm in disbelief at how weak I'm acting. I look at myself and ask, "What the hell Hailey, why are you complaining? In the grand scheme of things everything is OK. You've got your health, your loved ones are breathing and well, you have great friends, and your mental health is above average. What's the problem?"

But something I've learned during my time traveling, especially in Rishikesh, India studying the practice of yoga, is the criticality of noticing and releasing emotions. For when you don't release them when they're screaming out within you, there will come a time of explosiveness, a time of acting out, sometimes irrationally and harmfully.

I myself feel as though I repress my emotions in fear of them not being just or stable or understood correctly. I used to fear that if I'd show my true emotion to people it may be too dark or complex, weak even, to hold their attention and also support. Too much to handle at that moment in time and dampening a perfectly good day. And now hearing myself say these things, saying that, "I repress my emotions in fear of them not being just," I realize this thought process comes from a place within myself that strives for perfection in everyday action and reaction. I think this is why it's taken me so long to become vulnerable, really. And to say I know how to be vulnerable is still a bit questionable. 

I do feel grateful for my progression in openness and sharing the emotions I experience. But this never came as easy, as it's taken a lot of time. Lots of time. And writing. Writing is key. I always stress to the people I meet who question journaling how important it is to scribble your thoughts on paper. The act of interpreting the floating words and emotions in your head and heart is underrated, difficult, rewarding, clarifying, and undoubtedly one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. It also allows you to understand yourself to a higher degree, and isn't that what we're all striving for? Writing and meditating, with different levels of difficulty, share the same benefit of increasing the consciousness of oneself by shifting attention inward. Writing down emotions, thoughts, and daily life happenings, releases them and makes room for reflection and then, enhanced thought and precious realizations. 

Writing and expressing my feelings through words everyday is a prized gift I feel lucky to do, not for sympathy, but as a way to act on and release whats simmering in my head to progress onward. I do certainly feel pleasure when sharing writing full of emotion because I know  someone's on the other end that has been there or who is currently going through the same. That tiny, mysterious connection with the receiving end, probably a stranger I may never meet, is magic to me. And who knows, maybe there's no one on the receiving end. That's okay too. I can rest easy knowing I released something vital in achieving a clearer mental space.

Next time you feel like shit and you feel like crying or screaming or sulking all day in your own sorrow, just fucking do it. Enough of this be-only-happy-all-the-time. This is completely unrealistic. And if you're like me who feels like an ungrateful piece of shit when complaining about a situation that is definitely not as lousy as something someone else is going through, realize that you are allowed to feel whatever you feel with no expectations or guidelines. You are a human being brought to this planet against your will. It is part of your genetic make up to experience emotion and you should never feel that your emotions are unjust or unworthy of attention and emancipation. 

My other advice is to write. Write or meditate. And read some stuff. There are people out there who have lived what you're going through, who can relate. Taking advantage of these things is so, so important. Despair is a part of life that will unfortunately find its way to you sooner or later. Know that you're never ever, ever alone. I can promise you that. 

To letting out and letting in.

Thanks for being here,

Hailey